Barrister Frank and the Rampaging Elephant
A conversation with a friend recently reminded me that a while ago, I was getting a lot of 419 (Nigerian fee fraud) emails through. The temptation became too much and so I decided to respond to one with a disposable email address (or two). This led to several exchanges, which I've included here:
Early Days
Frank's email text is included in italics, with my response below each item.
Dear Barrister Frank,
Good day and best regards. I am sorry I have to make a lengthy writing in order to enhance your conception of this claim. So I pray you to be patient and read with a willing heart for understanding.
My conception does not need enhancing thank you. I have always felt that children would be an unecessary financial burden.
I feel astonished being informed that the FINANCE BANK OF NIGERIA has contacted you in regards to the claim. What a prompt response!
Well, considering that we had not agreed to do business, I was astonished too.
Meanwhile, you should stop being a scary cat about this claim as I am real and the whole thing will be executed under a legitimate background that will protect me, you any other partner involved or who may involve, from any breach the law as well as violation of one’s fundamental rights.
I don't understand your 'scary cat' statement. Is that some sixties hippy speak, or a reference to an unknown work by The Cure?
Still, it is well noted to me that you have every reasonable reason to entertain a reasonable doubt about this claim, hence you never know me, and neither do you know my late client, Dr. Douglas Warren. Moreover, I am not, as well as you are not ignorant of all sundry information and messages in the guise of business proposals skyrocketing over the Internet.
Yes, and I've heard from friends that they have had many emails skyrocketing through their inboxes on a daily basis. One friend even said to me 'it's just like being at NASA without the wayward insulation foam'.
Moreover, regarding your knowledge that nothing comes so cheap, i think you have to believe in God first. If you believe, you will understand that God visits people in his due time and he is the only on e that has the ultimate plan, purposes and opportunities for everybody. I suggest tentative moves with this will convince you the more. Just be careful!
I'm glad to hear that God visits people in his due time. Jehovahs witnesses always seem to visit at times that you're not expecting them, so you've given me another reason to doubt what they teach.
As a result therefore, I must seek your consent this time to allay your fears about me, and everything in this claim as I am not really what you supposed of me. I am not advertising myself either, but I want to let you understand the reason I proceeded to the Bank to filing the Application in your name and on your behalf, without having your consent in the first place.
I'm glad to hear that you're not what I had supposed of you. Have you seen the TV series V?
Meanwhile, prior to the Bank’s notice to me as a signatory to the late Dr. Douglas’ account, to present the owner of the account/ next of kin within a stated period of time or have this money confiscated by the Bank on the directive of the Federal Government of Nigeria to do same upon any account amounting up to millions of Dollars in their custody of which the owner of such fund is not being duly cleared by the Banker and the government.
Why are the bank confiscating someone else's money? Is this a regular occurence in your part of the world. Was Dr.Douglas intestate?
So, I want you to consider and reconsider what it means should this fund be confiscated and thereby lost to the Bank and the government. Then consider the importance and utility of which this fund would be to me, you and the service for humanity which would be a loss should this Bank be left free to confiscate the money.
Well, funds like that certain are a utility.
Owing to this instruction by the government and the notice from the Bank, I hastened towards various angles like the Embassy and Diplomatic agents, basically to locate any of my client’s real relatives so I can present them for the claim but all was unsuccessful. I therefore contacted you at the eleventh hour of the expiration of the mandate given to me by the Bank and therefore there is nothing really I could do other than to file the Application so as to deter them from tampering on the account, hence I have presented the beneficiary to the fund.
I am glad to hear that the Pythagorean force is strong with you. I always used to struggle with the right angles myself.
Meanwhile, I want to assure you that it does not necessarily matter whether you are biologically related to him or not, hence you have my back-up as the attorney to the owner of the account ant and as well willing and ready to carry it upon myself on the realization of this money being not confiscated by the Bank and rather be paid to you as an inheritance fund.
Please be informed that I have with me and shall avail all the necessary documents needed to back you up in this claim. So you have nothing to fear or contribute as I shall perfect all things here for you in your name and what you need to do is to coordinate it well with the Bank as stand firmly in defending that you are late Dr. Douglas Warren’s cousin as I have presented you before them.
So you're saying that if I lie to the bank, everything will be OK?
All I require of you is your honesty, trustworthiness and sincere cooperation with me so
that when this fund is finally paid to you, you shall keep it with you pending my arrival to your country for my own share of the proceeds. This means that we shall discuss on the sharing modalities of the proceeds of this claim upon its final successful conclusion.
You want my honesty, but you want me to lie to the bank? We have not spoken about modalities. What would be my share for taking such a high risk?
Finally, I therefore, counsel you to be not afraid and go ahead with the Bank as I shall update you with all the necessary information regarding my late client and his account as you shall present before the FINANCE BANK. Please I count on your urgent response as I have every confidence, hope and trust that you can handle this claim (money) with me and together we can make it a success.
Always feel free to contact me through my private phone number +234 806 371 3908.
Thanks and my best regards to you once again.
Barr. Frank West.
I still have grave doubts about this enterprise Barrister Frank and I don't feel that I can proceed as things stand. I am basically an honest person and this runs against the grain for me.
Regards,
Oliver.
Frank Continues
There is some fantastic language in this missive from Barrister Frank:
My Dear Oliver,
He just keeps coming back
I am so sorry for the late response to your email by me. Infact i have been having a hard time here as i had been so busy in preparation of a court case which had to be decided by the jury yesterday. Unfortunately for me i lost the case and was so weak, tired and so i had to file an appeal against the judgement, so i has been having it relatively raw here.
Meanwhile, i thank God for your lastest email where you drew my attention to the previous email where you forwarded the content of the application form from the bank to me.
As a matter of fact, i could not pay a good attention to that previously, but by the very fact that you refered me thereto, i have been able to ascertain what is really required and and i am sending it herewith.
I would like you to write them in continuation of the apology that you could not be able to get back to them on time. So they should treat you with ut any contempt.
Meanwhile, time and space could not permit me to fill it appropriately for you so i am giving you the tips so you fill it on your own and submit to them as soon as possible.
Meanwhile, you have to be extra cautious in filling the whole thing as i understand that any alteration or omission may render the claim invalid.
Again, I suppose you should possibly print the Form, append your signature and scan it to send it to them and make sure you give the accurate information.
Here is the name of the Depositor: Dr. Douglas Warren.
The Acct No: 0199F30530215,
Finance Bank Finance PLC.
You may fill anything in the space or your relationship with him but i counsel you put it down that he was your uncle.
In this case, i advise you fist forward it to me for my perusal before sending it to them. On the other hand, you can proceed by sending it to them provided you put down every thing correctly.
Moreover, please feel so free to call me if you are opportuned so we can conveniently and appropriately cordinate this so well and successfully, bearing in mind that the demand of this claim is constant communication to enhance our cooperation by the use of email or phone calls so as to follow up any necessary directive from the Bank, me, vis a vis you.
Plaese always bring to my awareness what ever may come from them in response to the form when you must have send it to them so i shall be well informed of what ever ever may be required as a pre-requisite for the claim as i shall avail same for you.
You can call me any time on pnone with 234 806 371 3908.
Thanks and best regards.
Barr. Frank.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having it raw, but things have been cooking at my end and I'm pleased to see that your ascertaining has been fruitful.
I will write to the bank in an attempt to avoid their contempt. A contemptuous bank is one to be avoided at all costs. I often remember the manager of my previous bank, Mr. Manewaring, looking scornfully at me as I shamefully recounted my latest excuse for requiring an extension to my overdraft. "Stupid Boy" he used to say to me.
I will cautiously and with trepidation, make my way through the form until its completion is achieved. I will then send you a copy to peruse at your leisure centre.
How old was Douglas? I am 73, so I am guessing that he was old enough to be my uncle?
Kind regards,
Oliver.
Getting Desperate?
wrote:
Dear Oliver,
Good day once again and i am so glad to be in touch with you.
Meanwhile, i have not been feeling well as i have not heard anything from you concerning a popssible response from the BANK, in response to the completed form for which you siad you sent to them on Saturday.
I mean they are supposed to have written you back in that regards but have not heard anything from you till now.
Finally, i want to urge you to refer to me what ever they may ask you in response so i shall update for you to get back to them.
Please let me hear from you soonest.
Thanks from Frank.
Dear Barrister Frank,
I've not heard anything from the BANK as yet and I'm beginning to worry.
The Rampaging Elephant
I am Oliver's partner. Unfortunately, he was amoung a group of people who were trampled by a runaway elephant at a recent trip to the circus and is currently in hospital in a serious but stable condition. It made the front page of the Burton-on-Trent Advertiser, so you may have heard about the accident.
Good day my dear,
First all i wish to express my heart felt sympathy for the mishap on Oliver's side. Infact i am happy that you brought it to my awareness as i have been so much worried about hearing from him. I have been wondering what could be his problem as i have not been able to hear from him for a long time now.
Meanwhile, i want to beseech you to convey my warmest greetings to him and how i have felt for him in this time.
However, i suppose i should not tell you about this but hence it would still serve as a means to accelerate what we have already started, it means Oliver should grant you the permit to help proceed this on his behalf and it is pertinent he inform you about the essence and concept of the deal.
In order to proceed therefore, a formal introduction and concept clarifications has to be established prior to the deal either from Oliver or me to you.
Consequent upon this, i would like you to see if it would be possible for Oliver to detail and explain to you (If he should be in the right mood) or if not possible, you could contact me for the clarifications and the ways forward.
Finally, i would like you to call me on my phone + 234 806 372 3908; alternatively, you can get me yours so i can contact you as soon as possible to accelerate what we have already started, as there is no time left on our side to actualize this except for a hasty communicaton and cooperation.
Thanks Gertrde once again for everything.
My regards to Oliver.
Barr. Frank West.
[A response later]
Dear,
Thanks for your prompt response and your phone number therewith given.
Please allow me to express what has been bothering my mind upon the reception and acknowledgement of your email.
You said you were Oliver's partner. Right. Please could you elaborate on what you mean by "partner".
Moreover, i have expressed doubts on how you got to know about this transaction.
Does it mean that Oliver informed you about it or did you hijack his password? Please clarify on these issues as this transaction is intended to be confidential and strictyly for the individual addressed to it.
I am leaving for a Court cas right now and do hope to hear from you soon.
I shall call you when i am through with my routine.
Thanks alot.
Frank West.
Dear Barrister Frank,
We are partners in the sense of being man and wife and enjoying consensual fraternisation.
[The fifth chasing email:]
Dearest,
I still await your response as this matter requires an urgent attention that would help accelerate the the procesion of this claim.
There has been a superflous waste of time and energy in the course of this and yet nothing seems to have been done.
I suppose the BANK have every right now to feel contemptious about this claim.
Meanwhile i tried to contact you through the telecom but your line was not available for me may be because of internet problems.
Let me hear from you soon.
Frank.
Dear Barrister Frank,
Dear [Have you noticed he can't be bothered with a name now],
I am so glad that he has started recovering from the trauma.
Meanwhile, i would like to know how possible it would be should i call to speak with you and him at the same time. Although i understand his condition right now.
More over, how long do you think it would take him to recover in order to take up with this transaction because i went to the Bank today and i understand that they are not being happy with us in making this claim over my late client's account.
To them it seems more of peurile thing and they have given a mandate for us to come up with the claim, by establishing facts legitimatizing the claim.
One more emphasis is that i have already used hois name altin making the application before the Bank but i do not know how possible it would be trying to make an alternative for him, even if you were his wife and possibly should bear the same name as "Warren".
This in the sence that you can be able to proceed from where he stopped and hence we can back it up with facts.
Please get back to me soon and do take a good care of your husband.
Thanks so far.
Frank West.
A Turn for the Worse
I am so glad that he has started recovering from the trauma.
Meanwhile, i would like to know how possible it would be should i call to speak with you and him at the same time. Although i understand his condition right now.
More over, how long do you think it would take him to recover in order to take up with this transaction because i went to the Bank today and i understand that they are not being happy with us in making this claim over my late client's account.
To them it seems more of peurile thing and they have given a mandate for us to come up with the claim, by establishing facts legitimatizing the claim.
One more emphasis is that i have already used hois name altin making the application before the Bank but i do not know how possible it would be trying to make an alternative for him, even if you were his wife and possibly should bear the same name as "Warren".
This in the sence that you can be able to proceed from where he stopped and hence we can back it up
with facts.
Please get back to me soon and do take a good care of your husband.
Thanks so far.
Frank West.
Dear Barrister Frank,
Hello Gerty,
Good day once again.
I must tell you that i am quite relatively unconfortable about this development in this claim.
Infact you ought not expose this deal considering the nature of it's confidentiality.
I know what i am saying and that was why i was wondering about your incursion in this claim. Really it is not supposed to be so but i have considered your relationship with Oliver and how transparent/honest you have been in updating me about your personality.
You said something about possibly when he regains consciousness, he would grant you that favour. I do not understand what you mean by that. Is it that his brother would follow it up for him or that he would help you in the follow up... Clarify.
Moreover, this claim does not call for a "groupthink" deal because that could possibly undermine it's success. Again,, you ought to understand that his brother's power of attorney is limited as he has no jurisdiction here. Besides, i have already used Oliver's name for the Claim application before the Bank and they (bank) are in expectance of our follow up. Never the less, considering his condition right now i suppose what we need to do is to see if it would be granted by the Bank for somebody else to act on his proxy and i suppose the Bank would require a fact or document in the form of doctor's report in order to back the claim up.
I called your line but you were not around so i had to drop a meassage informing you that i called, so you can possibly call me at your convenience.
Finally, what was his response when you told him about this?
I must advise you to keep this deal as confidential as possible and remain as honest with it as you have come accross it.
Thanks for now and i am hoping to hear from you soon.
Best regards.
Frank.
Barrister Frank (if that is your name),
Hello,
I hope your Sunday was quite okay.
First all I must draw your attention that I have not taken it light over your incursion into this claim and your latest blow done in respect to this claim. First all you came in as an imposter by disguising your identity, framing some illogical statements and the total misrepresentation of facts/reality in regards to the person “Oliver”, I, the Bank and my country. Yes, you have a calculated efforts strategized to outsmart and possible ruin the success of this claim and the subsequent release of the fund by the Bank.
As a matter of fact I was not happy to read through your email regarding the perceptions of you, and your “wonderful counselor” about me in particular and over this issue at stake. I must tell you that I am definitely not comfortable with the pessimistic feelings in general. That as a matter of fact, is so derogatory to my personality, my profession and my country in general. Come to think of it, where are you and your Rumpul directing your doubts to? Is it about me, the account or the Bank? Which of the parties involved is he/you being skeptic about?
So, I wish to clarify that even if they are in my country, they are as well right there where you are, but you only need to be careful while dealing with people, even those you may be seeing as saints.
Frankly, I must tell you that it upsets me the more considering all my stakes, efforts and expenses in furtherance and actualization of this claim and of which has come and gone along way to getting to the realization of it.
On the other hand, I have restrained myself from over re-acting to this by reasoning with him/you by restricting one self to being so careful with dealings with people, although, pertaining to this, your perceptions I suppose are really built on prejudice and unfound premise.
I want to advise you if you nsolely wish to cooperate with him by forwarding my informations to the security agents as i have nothing hidden under my cupboard, i am only making an appeal that Oliver should cooperate with me in making a this a success and that we should share in the mutual interest.
In fact I do not know how possible that should be even if the Bank or I are fraudsters as he/you supposed. Factually, I am a Lawyer and only remain a just one who is only bent on the rec overy of my late client’s estate which is subject to confiscation by the Bank. Should there not be some one to lay hold on that and in that case I have contacted you (Oliver) and has made the application of claim with his name and proceeded for an Injuction against the moves by the Bank and they have activated by getting to you/Oliver twice for him/you to comply with them, and so I think I have been abused by you and your counselor by taking me for such undignified person, even at this stage of the claim.
In furtherance, how possible do you think it should be for a well known Bank like the Finance bank be involved in a scam deal. What would it benefit them? How much have you spent ever since the commencement of this claim and have I demanded from you to offer any payment in regards to the actualization of this claim? I am a person that keeps his promises and that was the core reason I am biting tooth and nail to actualize my late client's wish and as I promised my self and my promises I have always tried to live up to, up to this stage. I promised Oliver earlier on that I would not allow you any financial assistance in the procession of this claim and that I have often maintain even at this moment, even though he has not been punctual with the follow-ups..
If not that I have gone along way and have reached thus far in this claim with Oliver, honestly speaking, I would have resorted to doing otherwise if it could be possible.
In the factual sense of it, I should be the one to be doubtful and feel pessimistic about the fate of this money, as I do not truly know what would become of this money when it gets to Oliver, hence I may not be there by the time it shall be paid to him owing to the circumstances surrounding this account now and how you emerged into this affair, claiming to be an insider with your attorney.
I am only praying that you people would be honest enough with me and that all my labor, efforts and everything I have staked in this claim may not be in vain. I am not saying that I do not trust you but I am also trying to be realistic as well, just like you. We should be accountability partners who are supposed to share a mutual benefit of this venture upon its realization.
I have promised that I shall take it upon my self to see to the successful emergence of this transaction under a legitimate background that would protect each one of us from any breach of the law, hence I have with me and shall still avail all necessary legal documents that would relate to the legitimate claim/hold over this account which would necessitate its release of the fund to you by the Bank instead of confiscating the account.
You said I should not write you again but I am begging you to write the Bank and plead with them so they can have a heart to listen when I tell them about the situation now and you must present a report from the hospital proofing that Oliver is really bed ridden for now and thence, I shall decipher on what next to do with this, hence you are not being real.
Please do this as soon as possible.
Thanks for you understanding.
Barr. Frank West.
Dear Oliver,
good day and how are you doing now?
I hope you are getting better from what happened to you as i was made to know.
Please take care and God help you.
Thanks.
Frank West.
Hello,
Dear Gerty,
Frankly i am sending along with this my hearthy condolence over the death of my friend Oliver which i was informed through the automated response by you.
Infact i have been so much perplexed over the news.
Meanwhile, i am just trying to sympathize with you at this moment and pray for God's guideance over you.
More over, it would interest me if you could let me know when he would be buried (if not yet).
I am looking ahead to hearing friom you.
Thanks and take care of yourself.
Barr. Frank West.
He Won't Give Up
Dear Gerty,
How are you doing today? I hope you are faring well.
Meanwhile i still want to know from you what is really going on and your status now in relationship with Oliver. I know this may not be the appropriate time to ask you about any thing but you please have to bear with me, considering the situation here with this account in question which i have applied to be paid to Oliver.
Possibly you are taking this for unreal and it makes you take it for granted but i know how i feel about it because i am deeply concerned about it.I know what it means and how it pains to see this amount being lost to the Bank.
On the other hand i know you are finding it so difficlt to believe me based on what Rumpoul told you about this but i want to assure you that what he said is strictly based on prejudice and more of fallacy.
I wrote you the other time but i have not heard anything from you.
Get back to me please.
Frank
Barrister Frank,
In the current circumstances, your email is callous and unthinking. Do you torture small animals as well?
Now that I have lost Oliver, I do not care about any amount of money. He was my world and now that he is gone, I'm not sure that I can go on.
Go and find someone else to give the money to.
Gerty.